This post is going to be pretty nifty. Really.
Actually, if you're looking for comic relief or an argument for the origins of life, you're looking in the wrong place. I just want to put forth a hypothesis founded upon well-understood empirical evidence that I have already touched on in The Torture of BPD blog.
Specifically, why is it the case that hyperamygdalar activity in response to emotionally salient stimuli would occur, if the amygdala happens to be smaller in size? This seems counterintuitive on the surface, but when one relates it to the interconnections of the amygdala, especially the prefrontal cortex, it seems to make a bit more sense. In cases of Borderline Personality disorder, the amygdala & pre-frontal cortex are diminished in size in comparison to people without BPD. With that said:
1. It stands to reason that given the interconnectivity and modulatory effect of the Prefrontal Cortex with/on the amygdala, a reduction in size of both is likely to reduce the synaptic connections and receptor cells. Thus, the ability of the PFC to successfully negate a more sensory emotional reaction to stimuli in the amygdala would be largely curtailed.
2. Quantitative change, bringing about quantitative change. This is a bit of a broad hypothesis that isn't inconsistent with hypothesis 1. at all, and is predicated on some of the tenets put forth by Gary Lynch and Richard Granger in Big Brains: The Origins and Future of Human Intelligence. Evidence suggests to Lynch & Granger that despite differences in the per capita brain size between primates, proportional sizes of the neocortex, brain stem, and pretty much all areas of the brain relative to the overall brain size follow a linear trend. This is to say that our neocortex relative to the size of our brain overall will be proportionally similar to a Chimpanzee's neocortex relative to its overall brain size. They further argue that only true difference between our brain and other primates' brains is simply quantitative differences; there is very little in the way of genuinely unique areas or types of cells in the human brain. If it is the case that all of this is true, then let's extrapolate the principle that Quantitative changes bring about Qualitative changes:
We'll say theoretically that the Prefrontal Cortex is 400 cubic centimeters, and the amygdala is maybe 50 cubic centimeters (nowhere near accurate). This means there is a 350 cubic centimeter difference at a 7:1 ratio.
If they both experience similar proportional changes due to environmental selection or epigenetic stress, in which the prefrontal cortex and amygdala are both decreased in size by 5%, then the sizes would be PFC: 332.5 cubic centimeters to Amygdala: 47.5 centimeters, a difference of 285 cubic centimeters.
Quantative differences between the two brains would be 350 to 285 cubic centimeters, despite having a similar proportion. If there are quantitative changes that bring about qualitative changes with respect to PFC modulation of emotional activity in the amygdala, then perhaps this explains why the amygdala in the second brain is much more difficult to moderate.
3. Both of the above, synergistically producing Hyperamygdalar activity to noxious stimuli.
Perhaps my math is oversimplified. Perhaps the bit about linear predictability of specific brain regions relative to overall brain size is unnecessary, given the principle of quantitative-qualitative differences. Feel free to let me know if that is the case.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Elitism: The Modern Witch Hunt
Only in America can the basic definitions of patrician and elite become inaccurately interchanged. I suppose this is of no surprise as America continues to dramatically dip in education rankings, especially in math and science, in the International forum (see: here, here, here, and here). According to American Heritage Dictionary, 'Elite' means "the best or most skilled members of a group." It carries no specific denotation of being out of touch with the average person in the way bourgeoisie or patrician do, so let's start using correct terminology here. Now that we have that out of the way, it's important to ask what exactly causes this extreme dissonance toward achievement & intelligence. I like to think of it as an ingrained feature of a culture driven by what the mainstream media offers them.
The media, by virtue of self-interest, continue to be complicit in America's pathological trend toward idiocracy by making sure to dumb down every aspect of a subject. When it comes to the election, for example, what is important to Americans? Is global warming important? Maybe increased economic stress & stratification? Is the American life expectancy rate, which is dropping in some areas of the U.S. (something unheard of for an industrialized nation), important? Maybe the lack of universal health care, and the desegregation of commerce and scientific research and the consequences thereof are important? Perhaps the strain on our military and national economy, as well as the inhumane truth of 500,000 to 1 million dead in Iraq is an important issue.
If you say yes, the media is here to inform you that you are WRONG. What is important is: a lapel pin, a Bosnian story, a religious person, and the all-important opinionating of what should be characterized as important by non-authoritative pundits. (Sidenote: Great job MSNBC with your primary coverage; let's allow Pat Buchanan and Joe Scarborough to set the tone as to what is important for the Democratic primary, clearly a smart move. Nothing like a couple of bulldog Republicans to characterize Obama as a wimp, as if him being temperamental, aggressive, or confrontational is a good thing.) If you don’t believe me, just ask Chris Matthews, who equated the Reverend Wright as “Obama’s Iraq”. Yes, that’s right, Reverend Wright is tantamount to causing a million deaths, I forgot how stupid we all are. The media and cultural desire for dilution of substance, that results from our consumer-driven & service-based economy is what generates this dissonance toward any type of elitism by virtue of dumbing down every aspect of an issue to the lowest common denominator: stupid people. Yes, I’m aware dumbing is not a word.
The point of all of this is to say, clearly, that as a nation we are genuinely stupid. We are. The tell-all feature of a stupid person is their lack of ability to listen to someone who is smart, and basically to act accordingly when their own judgment (as a stupid person) is not to be trusted. (*A corollary to this is to say that stupid people shouldn't vote. Just saying.) And as a nation, since being elite is apparently a bad thing, this makes us stupid as a whole. As someone who would consider himself an elite American, except that term is apparently oxymoronic by virtue of my logical deduction, I would like to say screw all of you who are so entirely insecure with your self-concept that you would prefer to vote for a guy who couldn’t multiple ¾ and ½ over a guy who, might just understand the sociological implications of behaviors such as religious zealotry. Damn that man for having an Internationally ranked first class education! Clearly he doesn't understand the intricacies of drinking shots and asking how the Phillies are doing. This definies stupidity. It’s nice to know that as a nation we think of ourselves as the only superpower--elite as a whole--but detest American citizens that happen to be elite in their individual academic pursuits. Love the paradox of western Individualism: let's chastise those who are *actually* individuals! How dare they refuse to conform to our anti-conformist conformity by not being retarded media-loving drones.
To the point, the moral of the story here is simple: Start listening to the *elite*, and maybe the cyclical circling of the drain known as your life might actually improve.
P.S.: Since Pat Buchanan wishes to equate Barack Obama with Michael Dukakis, ask yourself one question: would the country be better off or worse off in that period of time had there been someone other than Bush in office? The economy was a house of cards (thanks, Reagan), and you may wish to bear in mind that it set the stage for George W.’s presidency.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I knew it all along
You know that exhilarating feeling you get after accomplishing something you have put your heart and soul into? For some, it is a childhood dream realized, completing graduate work, being promoted, a Nobel peace prize, or for some of us, folding the clean laundry that has been sitting in a basket for two weeks straight.
Well I just had one of those moments. Phillip and I just compiled the results of a 2-year study titled "The Habits of the Extraordinarily Intelligent and the Cats Who Love Them". I am very excited to share the results with you.
We learned that 99% of the Extraordinarily Intelligent individuals(having an IQ >160) included in our study have a common past time. Individuals occupying the Below Average, Average, Above Average and Almost Extraordinary categories, do not share this past time. This hobby is exclusive to the Extraordinarily Intelligent individual.
Take a few minutes to brainstorm what this hobby could be. If you're reading this blog with another person, brainstorm together. If you are reading alone, discuss with yourself, perhaps with an ego state you're not currently utilizing. If you've never read our blog with another person, I suggest you try it.
If you guessed, “book learnin’”, that is incorrect.
The past time shared by 99% of all Extraordinarily Intelligent is reading this blog. I have to say, it is nice knowing that the most intelligent subscribe to our ramblings.
It hurts me to admit that the sample size for our study included only two people for the Extraordinarily Intelligent category. One of them was Phillip.
Give me a break; it’s still a cool statistic. I estimate that 1% of the world’s population, or 0.1% of the United States population, has an IQ over 160, realistically it would have been difficult to find more than 2 people to include in the sample.
Well I just had one of those moments. Phillip and I just compiled the results of a 2-year study titled "The Habits of the Extraordinarily Intelligent and the Cats Who Love Them". I am very excited to share the results with you.
We learned that 99% of the Extraordinarily Intelligent individuals(having an IQ >160) included in our study have a common past time. Individuals occupying the Below Average, Average, Above Average and Almost Extraordinary categories, do not share this past time. This hobby is exclusive to the Extraordinarily Intelligent individual.
Take a few minutes to brainstorm what this hobby could be. If you're reading this blog with another person, brainstorm together. If you are reading alone, discuss with yourself, perhaps with an ego state you're not currently utilizing. If you've never read our blog with another person, I suggest you try it.
If you guessed, “book learnin’”, that is incorrect.
The past time shared by 99% of all Extraordinarily Intelligent is reading this blog. I have to say, it is nice knowing that the most intelligent subscribe to our ramblings.
It hurts me to admit that the sample size for our study included only two people for the Extraordinarily Intelligent category. One of them was Phillip.
Give me a break; it’s still a cool statistic. I estimate that 1% of the world’s population, or 0.1% of the United States population, has an IQ over 160, realistically it would have been difficult to find more than 2 people to include in the sample.
Friday, April 18, 2008
The Torture of BPD
Borderline Personality Disorder is a global, relatively stable disorder that is torturous to both the person with BPD and the people around them. It is thought to occur in 1 out of every 33 women(*Females account for 75% of people with BPD), and is relative to four specific areas: Affective, Cognitive, Behavioral, and Interpersonal impairment that can be subacute at baseline level, but when a stimulus causes excitement, borderlines become incredibly dysregulated. An example of such is when a friend of someone with BPD analyzes their life in a way to give advice, and the person with BPD perceives being talked down to or being blamed (also referred to as being "invalidated").
What causes BPD?
It is thought that an emotionally invalidating, neglectful, or abusive early childhood--combined with a genetic predisposition--creates the recipe for someone who has BPD. Specific types of abuse include sexual abuse from or not from a caretaker, as well as emotional abuse and physical abuse from a caretaker. Furthermore, it is thought that secrecy or the lack of discussion surrounding sexual abuse increases the risk factor for BPD. Weak early attachments, which create an attachment schema that fluctuates between extreme neediness alternating with fear of involvement, are also prevalent in indivudals with BPD. Generally, diagnosis is not made until adulthood, but antisocial signs in females prior to the age of 15 are significant indicators of the potential for having BPD as an adult. It is important to note that "age of onset" of symptoms generally occur from age 10-18. Furthermore, disturbed parental involvement, entailing an antisocial parent, a neglectful parent, and/or parents that get divorced are common in individuals with BPD.
Linehan theorizes that BPD entails three dialectics which people with BPD constantly swing from, such as:
1. Vulnerability vs invalidation
2. Active passivity (seeking a rescuer, accepting incompetence) vs. apparent competence (portraying competence when internally things are falling apart)
3. Unremitting crises vs. inhibited grief
Gunderson's Psychoanalytic Conception of BPD entails:
1. Intense, unstable relationships, in which the borderline always gets hurt (or perceives it that way).
2. Repetitive self-destructive behavior, so as to prompt rescue; entails suicidality.
3. Chronic panic or fear of abandonment (that entails clinging) when forced to be alone.
4. Distorted perceptions of interpersonal interactions.
5. Hypersensitivity to both verbal and non-verbal communication.
6. Impulsive behaviors that later embarrass the borderline
7. Poor social adaptation in regards to what is acceptable regarding academic and vocational performance.
Correlational Signs: Comorbidities
Individuals with borderline commonly have:
ADD-like problems with concentration, anxiety, a major depressive episode, substance abuse that requires treatment, panic disorders, social phobias, eating disorders, and substance use in general. Remission of BPD-symptoms entail reduced mood, anxiety, and substance use disorders. All BPD suffers, basically, also suffer from Axis I DSM-IV disorders. Another relatively common disorder associated with BPD is Bipolar disorder. Other subclinical signs include ruminating or obsessing about the past, and having a blameful view of most interpersonal interactions.
Diagnostic Criteria
1. Shifts in mood that last for only hours.
2. Anger that is uninhibited or inappropriate.
3. Self-destructive acts, such as suicidal threats, gestures, attempts, as well as cutting.
4. Two Impulsive behaviors, including substance abuse, eating disorders, sexual compulsivity, reckless driving, excessive shopping, and gambling.
5. Marked Identity disturbances regarding: sexual orientation, long-term goals, career goals, view of friendships. Basically, an inconsistent self-image
6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom, that may or may not be consciously acknowledged. Could be described as feeling as though they have a deep hole in their stomach, which is filled through relationships.
7. Unstable chaotic relationships that entail splitting between idealization and devaluation. One second you're amazing, the next you're an asshole.
8. Frantic Efforts to Avoid Abandonment, even if somewhat subconscious. Includes the alternating clinging and distancing behaviors, described by: "I hate you, don't leave me"; sensitivity to criticism or rejection; heavy need for affection or reassurance; and great difficulty trusting others and themselves.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. This is to say, feeling "out of it" or not remembering what was said or done during stressful situations.
Miscellaneous Features
People with borderline often are charismatic, the life of the party, when not 'acting out'.
May have problems with object constancy; this is to say that they may forget or disregard their feelings for someone when they are out of sight.
Frequently work to avoid being alone, even during benign periods of time.
Have a chaotic history of vocational and academic pursuits.
Almost all have a background of either physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, or a combination.
As with most Cluster Bs, a sense of entitlement, demandingness, and manipulativeness are very common, to the point that therapists and doctors need to establish firm, constant boundaries or else they risk being emotionally compromised by the borderline.
Borderlines often "freak out" over minutiae or perceptual distortion over minute aspects of social interaction.
Borderlines are notorious for being great sexual partners due to hypersexual impulsivity.
Borderlines often rage in the face of social frustration.
Prognosis:
The good news? Prognosis is generally better for individuals with BPD who have:
High IQ (>120)
Low narcissistic Entitlement
Non-divorced parents
A Presenece of physicalmutilation when admitted into inpatient treatment
The bad news? That is very few borderlines. Poorer prognosis occurs when:
The borderline has been sexually abused
There are marked impulsive behaviors, such as sexual compulsivity and/or substance abuse.
Multiple Axis I disorders
There is sexual abuse that is incestuous in nature.
Neurobiological Changes or Risk Factors
Brain evidence for borderline personality disorder includes:
Hyperarousal of the HPA-axis (Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal) to emotional stimuli.
Reduced Hippocampus, Amygdala, OFC, ACC, and Prefrontal brain size.
Hypometabolism in the prefrontal cortex and ACC at baseline.
Hyperamygdalar response to interpersonal interactions
Dopamine and Serotonin dysfunction or inefficiency that entails impulsivity.
What To Do If Involved With One?
Unless the borderline is a family member, has had substantial treatment for several years in a stable therapeutic environment, or is willing to consider such treatment, one may need to consider for one's own sake whether or not to get out before they get too far in. BPD is an ingrained and relatively stable interpersonal style, rather than an acute organic disease process. Borderlines generally do not improve unless involved in intense therapy for more than a decade and/or the condition remits after the 5th decade of life. There are treatments for BPD, such as Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, and generally the point for the non-BPD person should be to avoid these type of relationship dynamics wherever possible, because an uncontained borderline is skiled in unintentionally manipulating the non-borderline into the borderline 'matrix' as it is referred to.
Again, (as well said by a dissenting comment) this is not to suggest that borderline sufferers aren't people deserving of empathy and understanding, nor is it to say that people of sinister motive who themselves are incapable of such empathy (on the contrary, I have encountered the term "hyper-empathic state" on more than one occasion as it pertained to the borderline matrix). It is a complex neurobiological 'configuration', and insofar as this person needs help to manage and contain it, it is incumbent upon someone with BPD to ensure that they are committed to such for the health of the relationship. It is also strongly recommended that one who plays the role of the counter-borderline in the relationship also receive therapeutic treatment, as it can be a highly turbulent dynamic that requires such to keep sound footing.
I've many sources, feel free to contact me for citation.
What causes BPD?
It is thought that an emotionally invalidating, neglectful, or abusive early childhood--combined with a genetic predisposition--creates the recipe for someone who has BPD. Specific types of abuse include sexual abuse from or not from a caretaker, as well as emotional abuse and physical abuse from a caretaker. Furthermore, it is thought that secrecy or the lack of discussion surrounding sexual abuse increases the risk factor for BPD. Weak early attachments, which create an attachment schema that fluctuates between extreme neediness alternating with fear of involvement, are also prevalent in indivudals with BPD. Generally, diagnosis is not made until adulthood, but antisocial signs in females prior to the age of 15 are significant indicators of the potential for having BPD as an adult. It is important to note that "age of onset" of symptoms generally occur from age 10-18. Furthermore, disturbed parental involvement, entailing an antisocial parent, a neglectful parent, and/or parents that get divorced are common in individuals with BPD.
Linehan theorizes that BPD entails three dialectics which people with BPD constantly swing from, such as:
1. Vulnerability vs invalidation
2. Active passivity (seeking a rescuer, accepting incompetence) vs. apparent competence (portraying competence when internally things are falling apart)
3. Unremitting crises vs. inhibited grief
Gunderson's Psychoanalytic Conception of BPD entails:
1. Intense, unstable relationships, in which the borderline always gets hurt (or perceives it that way).
2. Repetitive self-destructive behavior, so as to prompt rescue; entails suicidality.
3. Chronic panic or fear of abandonment (that entails clinging) when forced to be alone.
4. Distorted perceptions of interpersonal interactions.
5. Hypersensitivity to both verbal and non-verbal communication.
6. Impulsive behaviors that later embarrass the borderline
7. Poor social adaptation in regards to what is acceptable regarding academic and vocational performance.
Correlational Signs: Comorbidities
Individuals with borderline commonly have:
ADD-like problems with concentration, anxiety, a major depressive episode, substance abuse that requires treatment, panic disorders, social phobias, eating disorders, and substance use in general. Remission of BPD-symptoms entail reduced mood, anxiety, and substance use disorders. All BPD suffers, basically, also suffer from Axis I DSM-IV disorders. Another relatively common disorder associated with BPD is Bipolar disorder. Other subclinical signs include ruminating or obsessing about the past, and having a blameful view of most interpersonal interactions.
Diagnostic Criteria
1. Shifts in mood that last for only hours.
2. Anger that is uninhibited or inappropriate.
3. Self-destructive acts, such as suicidal threats, gestures, attempts, as well as cutting.
4. Two Impulsive behaviors, including substance abuse, eating disorders, sexual compulsivity, reckless driving, excessive shopping, and gambling.
5. Marked Identity disturbances regarding: sexual orientation, long-term goals, career goals, view of friendships. Basically, an inconsistent self-image
6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom, that may or may not be consciously acknowledged. Could be described as feeling as though they have a deep hole in their stomach, which is filled through relationships.
7. Unstable chaotic relationships that entail splitting between idealization and devaluation. One second you're amazing, the next you're an asshole.
8. Frantic Efforts to Avoid Abandonment, even if somewhat subconscious. Includes the alternating clinging and distancing behaviors, described by: "I hate you, don't leave me"; sensitivity to criticism or rejection; heavy need for affection or reassurance; and great difficulty trusting others and themselves.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. This is to say, feeling "out of it" or not remembering what was said or done during stressful situations.
Miscellaneous Features
People with borderline often are charismatic, the life of the party, when not 'acting out'.
May have problems with object constancy; this is to say that they may forget or disregard their feelings for someone when they are out of sight.
Frequently work to avoid being alone, even during benign periods of time.
Have a chaotic history of vocational and academic pursuits.
Almost all have a background of either physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, or a combination.
As with most Cluster Bs, a sense of entitlement, demandingness, and manipulativeness are very common, to the point that therapists and doctors need to establish firm, constant boundaries or else they risk being emotionally compromised by the borderline.
Borderlines often "freak out" over minutiae or perceptual distortion over minute aspects of social interaction.
Borderlines are notorious for being great sexual partners due to hypersexual impulsivity.
Borderlines often rage in the face of social frustration.
Prognosis:
The good news? Prognosis is generally better for individuals with BPD who have:
High IQ (>120)
Low narcissistic Entitlement
Non-divorced parents
A Presenece of physicalmutilation when admitted into inpatient treatment
The bad news? That is very few borderlines. Poorer prognosis occurs when:
The borderline has been sexually abused
There are marked impulsive behaviors, such as sexual compulsivity and/or substance abuse.
Multiple Axis I disorders
There is sexual abuse that is incestuous in nature.
Neurobiological Changes or Risk Factors
Brain evidence for borderline personality disorder includes:
Hyperarousal of the HPA-axis (Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal) to emotional stimuli.
Reduced Hippocampus, Amygdala, OFC, ACC, and Prefrontal brain size.
Hypometabolism in the prefrontal cortex and ACC at baseline.
Hyperamygdalar response to interpersonal interactions
Dopamine and Serotonin dysfunction or inefficiency that entails impulsivity.
What To Do If Involved With One?
Unless the borderline is a family member, has had substantial treatment for several years in a stable therapeutic environment, or is willing to consider such treatment, one may need to consider for one's own sake whether or not to get out before they get too far in. BPD is an ingrained and relatively stable interpersonal style, rather than an acute organic disease process. Borderlines generally do not improve unless involved in intense therapy for more than a decade and/or the condition remits after the 5th decade of life. There are treatments for BPD, such as Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, and generally the point for the non-BPD person should be to avoid these type of relationship dynamics wherever possible, because an uncontained borderline is skiled in unintentionally manipulating the non-borderline into the borderline 'matrix' as it is referred to.
Again, (as well said by a dissenting comment) this is not to suggest that borderline sufferers aren't people deserving of empathy and understanding, nor is it to say that people of sinister motive who themselves are incapable of such empathy (on the contrary, I have encountered the term "hyper-empathic state" on more than one occasion as it pertained to the borderline matrix). It is a complex neurobiological 'configuration', and insofar as this person needs help to manage and contain it, it is incumbent upon someone with BPD to ensure that they are committed to such for the health of the relationship. It is also strongly recommended that one who plays the role of the counter-borderline in the relationship also receive therapeutic treatment, as it can be a highly turbulent dynamic that requires such to keep sound footing.
I've many sources, feel free to contact me for citation.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Learning / Love Styles
I'm convinced there is a connection between the way we learn, and the way we love. There are 3 basic learning styles, and 5 love languages.
The learning styles are:
1. Visual
2. Auditory
3. Tactile/Kinesthetic
The love languages are:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Touch
5. Quality Time
Identifying the way your partner learns and loves is empirically important in any relationship. For the purpose of this blog, I'm focusing on spousal relationships.
We normally don't utilize the same learning style or love language as our partner. This problem is often at the base of disagreements, arguments and frustration.
This also helps us explain how the 'honeymoon' period can fade so quickly.
For example, Gary and Louise have been dating for a few months. They decide to move in together. Makes financial sense, and plus they're soooooooo in love.
Initially, things are wonderful. Lots of time together, lots of animal kingdom type love makin, and nothing seems to upset either of them.
Some months down the road, the chemicals/hormones in the brain change. This causes behavior and perception to change. Those small problems don't seem so small. Louise is annoyed that Gary never picks up his clothes, and Gary is equally upset that Louise doesn't want to do the baby makin dance anymore.
Eventually things get so bad, Gary splits. They stop seeing each other. However, the problems don't end there. Gary and Louise are likely to experience the same problems in their next relationship. They'll be with different people with different backgrounds, baggage, genitals, and love languages, but the problem will perpetuate instead of diminish. Why?
Clearly, Gary's a slob, and that has to be dealt with. Louise sounds like a little tease, that's no good either. Beyond that, Gary didn't see a big problem leaving his undies on the floor and Louise didn't see the problem with not having sex but once a month.
It is likely that Gary best speaks the language of love through physical touch, and Louise through acts of service. Since this is my story, I'm going to say that's exactly what it was, and you'll believe me.
We often fail to recognize that the love language we speak fluently is often foreign and unfamiliar to our partners.
The best and easiest way to recognize your partners love language is to pay attention to how they show love - this is often how they prefer to receive it. Do they buy you lots of crap? Are they constantly trying to monopolize your time? Are they wanting to do the hanky panky more than 3 times a day? Do they make you feel weird with all of their compliments? Do they do your laundry without you asking?
Do you see where I'm going with this? Speak their language and get them to speak yours.
To learn more go buy the book the 5 love languages by Gary. I forget his last name, but I don't think it's the same Gary from the above story.
Next time I'll talk about learning styles and identifying them, then tie them together with the love languages in a metaphorically beautiful arrangement of text.
The learning styles are:
1. Visual
2. Auditory
3. Tactile/Kinesthetic
The love languages are:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Touch
5. Quality Time
Identifying the way your partner learns and loves is empirically important in any relationship. For the purpose of this blog, I'm focusing on spousal relationships.
We normally don't utilize the same learning style or love language as our partner. This problem is often at the base of disagreements, arguments and frustration.
This also helps us explain how the 'honeymoon' period can fade so quickly.
For example, Gary and Louise have been dating for a few months. They decide to move in together. Makes financial sense, and plus they're soooooooo in love.
Initially, things are wonderful. Lots of time together, lots of animal kingdom type love makin, and nothing seems to upset either of them.
Some months down the road, the chemicals/hormones in the brain change. This causes behavior and perception to change. Those small problems don't seem so small. Louise is annoyed that Gary never picks up his clothes, and Gary is equally upset that Louise doesn't want to do the baby makin dance anymore.
Eventually things get so bad, Gary splits. They stop seeing each other. However, the problems don't end there. Gary and Louise are likely to experience the same problems in their next relationship. They'll be with different people with different backgrounds, baggage, genitals, and love languages, but the problem will perpetuate instead of diminish. Why?
Clearly, Gary's a slob, and that has to be dealt with. Louise sounds like a little tease, that's no good either. Beyond that, Gary didn't see a big problem leaving his undies on the floor and Louise didn't see the problem with not having sex but once a month.
It is likely that Gary best speaks the language of love through physical touch, and Louise through acts of service. Since this is my story, I'm going to say that's exactly what it was, and you'll believe me.
We often fail to recognize that the love language we speak fluently is often foreign and unfamiliar to our partners.
The best and easiest way to recognize your partners love language is to pay attention to how they show love - this is often how they prefer to receive it. Do they buy you lots of crap? Are they constantly trying to monopolize your time? Are they wanting to do the hanky panky more than 3 times a day? Do they make you feel weird with all of their compliments? Do they do your laundry without you asking?
Do you see where I'm going with this? Speak their language and get them to speak yours.
To learn more go buy the book the 5 love languages by Gary. I forget his last name, but I don't think it's the same Gary from the above story.
Next time I'll talk about learning styles and identifying them, then tie them together with the love languages in a metaphorically beautiful arrangement of text.
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